Tick Tock

Whew! Lately there has been so much going on around me that I feel like I'm standing still, watching the sands drop one by one threw the hour glass. There is so much to wrap my brain around that I'm having trouble focusing on the day to day tasks. It feels as though the "life" switch has been moved from "normal" to "hyper speed". This isn't just in reference to my own stresses but those around me too. It feels as though the people I need to lean on all have their own troubles going on and I am quickly realizing how I've been ALOT of people's "rock". I know that in my heart and soul that the big man upstairs is my rock and I am finding alot of comfort in that. Though it feels very difficult to try and manage all of these feelings coming from everyone and including my own in there, it seems to push me to the very edge.

My "normal" mindset is normally to find the positive in everything and to always have a smile on my face, making everyone feel a bit better about whatever they may be facing. Lately this smile and happy demeanour is eluding me, it really has been a struggle. Just admitting this I know what everyone is going to tell me "It will all work out", "You are so blessed", "There is no need to be so down", "The Lord is on your side, don't be anxious" all of these things my brain tells me daily though it doesn't stop my heart to feel these feelings of sadness, loneliness, anxiety, and constant racing thoughts. My heart feels broken even though I KNOW it will all work out, this is what I'm feeling.

When I was 13 my mom took us on a Californian vacation and we got to see all kinds of beautiful sites, it was just her, my brother and her friend Debi. We had such a nice time and one place she took us was to the Moaning Caverns. It was beautiful to see go down the spiral staircase to the bottom of the dark and damp cavern. Seeing all of the stalactites and stalagmites, reminders of how awesome nature is, that even in the bottom of this dark cavern there is beauty. Right now I feel like I am standing right there amoung the beautiful pieces of nature that God has made, at the very bottom of that cavern, in the darkness. As I look up I see the faint light at the top of the 244 steps, I feel overwhelmed. How will I ever make it up those steps, the path will be just as winding as the actual spiral staircase(I am sure of that). I'm at the bottom, surrounded by blessings, looking up, knowing that I can not go at my own pace, that there is a time frame for me to climb those 244 steps.

Literally feeling the sadness from others is something I've battled my whole life, I know it sounds strange but I can sense when someone is feeling down just by being near them.  Lately this sense has been off the charts, I know there are so many people who are saddened by our move though I just wasn't expecting the amount of people who are going to be affected. It makes me feel bad but the ones that I am worried about the most are my own kiddos. How am I going to prepare them to be ready for all of the changes, when I am feeling completely unprepared myself? Everytime I hear who my Little Duncan declares as his "best friend" of the day it brings tears to my eyes as it vairies everyday from "M", "Nate", "Uncle Eric", "Gammie", "Miss Diane", "Josh", "Bob", "Joey" and the list goes on and on. Or when the girls get excited about doing something "next year" and then quickly remember that there is no "next year" here but in a brand new place.

All of the logistics of the move are still up in the air at this time, which is making everything THAT much harder to work through. We still aren't sure if we are selling our home or renting it. There are no set dates yet as to when we are moving. When will we pack everything up? Not sure even how we are going to move finacially with him driving down in May, then us, well whenever that works out....I guess. I've found myself in prayer most times than not, just praying for everything to go smoothly even though I have no idea of what the outcome will be. The only thing I know for sure is that Travis will be in Texas on May 10th and from that point on it will just be me, figuring out everything on my own.

As I mentioned before, everyone around me is going through their own trials and some literally. Just about everyone knows about the turbulent craziness that went on last year with my Step-Mom, Dad, and step-brother. It was one of the hardest things that I have had to go through and I had to be the rock for that side of my family, keeping everything together. As my Step-Mom faces jail time for her actions that just adds even more stress to our family, as I've basically withdrawn, overwhelmed with our own families move. This is just one of the extra stresses that my support "network" is going through as I try and manage my own way through everything, trying my hardest to still be the daughter and friend that everyone needs. I find praying for others has really gotten me through the times when I can feel the panic swelling inside me. And looking around at those around me, there are so many in need of prayer, including myself.

Being woken out of a dead sleep at 2:30 am this morning, I tried my hardest to get back to sleep and get the rest I so desperately need. Between the terrible bronchitis our family shared amoungst ourselves and the heart palpitations I haven't been sleeping well at all. I laid on the couch listening to the intriguing sounds of our beautiful home in the night time silence, though the sound of the clock caught my attention. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. At the sound of each second passing the tears welled up in my eyes. Reminding me of how quickly time is moving, completely unforgiving with all that is going on and all that needs done. The tears remained in my eyes as I prayed over the people in my life who are struggling, trying to get my mind off the uncertainty in my own life. They say that Time will heal a broken heart though at this point, for me, Time is making it worse.