Yesterday marked a very pivital moment that our family was really stuggling with. It was Travis' final re-enlistment, because he is over 10 years this enlistment will be indefinate, which means that we are at the Army's bidding until we retire, for the next 9-11 years. It was a decision that we actually struggled with though the peace that God gave us is what helped us decide that it was the best option for our family. It was a big moment even if the "recruiting world" had poor attitudes about it, I wanted to make sure Travis knew how much it meant to our family. My bible time yesterday morning was spent in prayer and writing a speech for him, our favorite photographer was hired to join to capture this moment, and the kids were all dressed up and kept from school to witness their Daddio swear in to his Country for the final time.
Sharing this speech is so that our family and friends that could not be there for the ceremony, can still read the words I wrote for him. The words I felt he needed to hear, along with his recruiting command. This final re-enlistment was going to take place in the very office that he chose to join the Army in over 11 years ago. At all of the past re-enlistment ceremonies and promotion ceremonies I've been asked to say a few words, though never had anything prepared. This time they didn't say anything about my soldier, our family, or even ask if I wanted to say anything but I was prepared and asked to read this anyway!
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Where this journey began.
Standing in the office where decisions were made for enlistment into the United States Army, something bigger than any of us standing here. Brings back many memories over the past 11 years. Those memories and certain actions have always been what has fueled the decisions we have made and will continue to make.
Knowing the sacrifices that our relationship and eventually our family had to endure, were for something bigger than us has always been what has gotten me through all that has come our way. Situations that we, as an Army family, have faced have been full of ups and downs. For those struggles just do not come to the military lifestyle, but is Life.
Thinking back to all that we have faced: separation, moving, deployment and living overseas. There has been good experiences that have come from each struggle that we have faced. There is proof in a box in our basement of our love story, through hundreds of our letters to one another. We may have been separated during that time but no one can take away the memory of how excited I was each day to run to that mailbox to see what had come from you.
I want to also thank you for choosing this windy and foggy path of the Army. We may not know which way it will take us or be able to see in front of our own feet but the Army has provided us something that is hard to explain. Your love and passion may be Army now but I can see it in your eyes that you would have love to pursue something else like to become a teacher and some day you will. I thank you for sacrificing your own dream for our family and your country.
Without your sacrifice and choosing to serve your country I would not have gotten the chance of a lifetime. I've got the chance to be the very best stay at home Momma that I could without the financial worry. Focused on raising wonderful little citizens all while getting the chance to live in new communities and seeing the world. You also provided us with the chance to be back "home" for the last 4 years. That has been the best gift anyone will ever give us. Not only do our children have actual relationships now with our family but they will have something most Army children will never have gotten, which is stability. They will forever have those strong bonds.
For me, your sacrifices have shown me how much you care for yourself, our family and country. your sacrifices have not been your own but are shared among everyone who loves you. I know being out here in the "recruiting world" has slowed your career, yet another sacrifice, though know how very grateful I am for every moment I've received. Our children, family and friends are truly grateful for being so blessed with this time spent here in our hometown, such an awesome opportunity.
With your actions today you are choosing to continue to provide for our family and more experiences that are unknown but equally as valuable. Just as stated before there will be ups and downs though just as long as there is a "countdown" and we are aware of what is bigger than us, our family will be strong.
How awesome is it to be given the chance to re-enlist your final time in this office where it all began. This journey that has taken us all over the world and placed the most amazing people all around us. Know that with God all things are possible, your sacrifices do not go unseen, our family will forever stand behind you, that this journey is for a lifetime!
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I read this through tear filled eyes and holding back the "ugly cry" so that my husband would know how important this decision was for our family. Admitting that I've struggled over the last few weeks with this decision, having a very hard time accepting it. Though yesterday was one of the best peace filled days that I've had in weeks. With a thankful and gracious heart I say "Home is where my Soldier is.".
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Tick Tock
Whew! Lately there has been so much going on around me that I feel like I'm standing still, watching the sands drop one by one threw the hour glass. There is so much to wrap my brain around that I'm having trouble focusing on the day to day tasks. It feels as though the "life" switch has been moved from "normal" to "hyper speed". This isn't just in reference to my own stresses but those around me too. It feels as though the people I need to lean on all have their own troubles going on and I am quickly realizing how I've been ALOT of people's "rock". I know that in my heart and soul that the big man upstairs is my rock and I am finding alot of comfort in that. Though it feels very difficult to try and manage all of these feelings coming from everyone and including my own in there, it seems to push me to the very edge.
My "normal" mindset is normally to find the positive in everything and to always have a smile on my face, making everyone feel a bit better about whatever they may be facing. Lately this smile and happy demeanour is eluding me, it really has been a struggle. Just admitting this I know what everyone is going to tell me "It will all work out", "You are so blessed", "There is no need to be so down", "The Lord is on your side, don't be anxious" all of these things my brain tells me daily though it doesn't stop my heart to feel these feelings of sadness, loneliness, anxiety, and constant racing thoughts. My heart feels broken even though I KNOW it will all work out, this is what I'm feeling.
When I was 13 my mom took us on a Californian vacation and we got to see all kinds of beautiful sites, it was just her, my brother and her friend Debi. We had such a nice time and one place she took us was to the Moaning Caverns. It was beautiful to see go down the spiral staircase to the bottom of the dark and damp cavern. Seeing all of the stalactites and stalagmites, reminders of how awesome nature is, that even in the bottom of this dark cavern there is beauty. Right now I feel like I am standing right there amoung the beautiful pieces of nature that God has made, at the very bottom of that cavern, in the darkness. As I look up I see the faint light at the top of the 244 steps, I feel overwhelmed. How will I ever make it up those steps, the path will be just as winding as the actual spiral staircase(I am sure of that). I'm at the bottom, surrounded by blessings, looking up, knowing that I can not go at my own pace, that there is a time frame for me to climb those 244 steps.
Literally feeling the sadness from others is something I've battled my whole life, I know it sounds strange but I can sense when someone is feeling down just by being near them. Lately this sense has been off the charts, I know there are so many people who are saddened by our move though I just wasn't expecting the amount of people who are going to be affected. It makes me feel bad but the ones that I am worried about the most are my own kiddos. How am I going to prepare them to be ready for all of the changes, when I am feeling completely unprepared myself? Everytime I hear who my Little Duncan declares as his "best friend" of the day it brings tears to my eyes as it vairies everyday from "M", "Nate", "Uncle Eric", "Gammie", "Miss Diane", "Josh", "Bob", "Joey" and the list goes on and on. Or when the girls get excited about doing something "next year" and then quickly remember that there is no "next year" here but in a brand new place.
All of the logistics of the move are still up in the air at this time, which is making everything THAT much harder to work through. We still aren't sure if we are selling our home or renting it. There are no set dates yet as to when we are moving. When will we pack everything up? Not sure even how we are going to move finacially with him driving down in May, then us, well whenever that works out....I guess. I've found myself in prayer most times than not, just praying for everything to go smoothly even though I have no idea of what the outcome will be. The only thing I know for sure is that Travis will be in Texas on May 10th and from that point on it will just be me, figuring out everything on my own.
As I mentioned before, everyone around me is going through their own trials and some literally. Just about everyone knows about the turbulent craziness that went on last year with my Step-Mom, Dad, and step-brother. It was one of the hardest things that I have had to go through and I had to be the rock for that side of my family, keeping everything together. As my Step-Mom faces jail time for her actions that just adds even more stress to our family, as I've basically withdrawn, overwhelmed with our own families move. This is just one of the extra stresses that my support "network" is going through as I try and manage my own way through everything, trying my hardest to still be the daughter and friend that everyone needs. I find praying for others has really gotten me through the times when I can feel the panic swelling inside me. And looking around at those around me, there are so many in need of prayer, including myself.
Being woken out of a dead sleep at 2:30 am this morning, I tried my hardest to get back to sleep and get the rest I so desperately need. Between the terrible bronchitis our family shared amoungst ourselves and the heart palpitations I haven't been sleeping well at all. I laid on the couch listening to the intriguing sounds of our beautiful home in the night time silence, though the sound of the clock caught my attention. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. At the sound of each second passing the tears welled up in my eyes. Reminding me of how quickly time is moving, completely unforgiving with all that is going on and all that needs done. The tears remained in my eyes as I prayed over the people in my life who are struggling, trying to get my mind off the uncertainty in my own life. They say that Time will heal a broken heart though at this point, for me, Time is making it worse.
My "normal" mindset is normally to find the positive in everything and to always have a smile on my face, making everyone feel a bit better about whatever they may be facing. Lately this smile and happy demeanour is eluding me, it really has been a struggle. Just admitting this I know what everyone is going to tell me "It will all work out", "You are so blessed", "There is no need to be so down", "The Lord is on your side, don't be anxious" all of these things my brain tells me daily though it doesn't stop my heart to feel these feelings of sadness, loneliness, anxiety, and constant racing thoughts. My heart feels broken even though I KNOW it will all work out, this is what I'm feeling.
When I was 13 my mom took us on a Californian vacation and we got to see all kinds of beautiful sites, it was just her, my brother and her friend Debi. We had such a nice time and one place she took us was to the Moaning Caverns. It was beautiful to see go down the spiral staircase to the bottom of the dark and damp cavern. Seeing all of the stalactites and stalagmites, reminders of how awesome nature is, that even in the bottom of this dark cavern there is beauty. Right now I feel like I am standing right there amoung the beautiful pieces of nature that God has made, at the very bottom of that cavern, in the darkness. As I look up I see the faint light at the top of the 244 steps, I feel overwhelmed. How will I ever make it up those steps, the path will be just as winding as the actual spiral staircase(I am sure of that). I'm at the bottom, surrounded by blessings, looking up, knowing that I can not go at my own pace, that there is a time frame for me to climb those 244 steps.
Literally feeling the sadness from others is something I've battled my whole life, I know it sounds strange but I can sense when someone is feeling down just by being near them. Lately this sense has been off the charts, I know there are so many people who are saddened by our move though I just wasn't expecting the amount of people who are going to be affected. It makes me feel bad but the ones that I am worried about the most are my own kiddos. How am I going to prepare them to be ready for all of the changes, when I am feeling completely unprepared myself? Everytime I hear who my Little Duncan declares as his "best friend" of the day it brings tears to my eyes as it vairies everyday from "M", "Nate", "Uncle Eric", "Gammie", "Miss Diane", "Josh", "Bob", "Joey" and the list goes on and on. Or when the girls get excited about doing something "next year" and then quickly remember that there is no "next year" here but in a brand new place.
All of the logistics of the move are still up in the air at this time, which is making everything THAT much harder to work through. We still aren't sure if we are selling our home or renting it. There are no set dates yet as to when we are moving. When will we pack everything up? Not sure even how we are going to move finacially with him driving down in May, then us, well whenever that works out....I guess. I've found myself in prayer most times than not, just praying for everything to go smoothly even though I have no idea of what the outcome will be. The only thing I know for sure is that Travis will be in Texas on May 10th and from that point on it will just be me, figuring out everything on my own.
As I mentioned before, everyone around me is going through their own trials and some literally. Just about everyone knows about the turbulent craziness that went on last year with my Step-Mom, Dad, and step-brother. It was one of the hardest things that I have had to go through and I had to be the rock for that side of my family, keeping everything together. As my Step-Mom faces jail time for her actions that just adds even more stress to our family, as I've basically withdrawn, overwhelmed with our own families move. This is just one of the extra stresses that my support "network" is going through as I try and manage my own way through everything, trying my hardest to still be the daughter and friend that everyone needs. I find praying for others has really gotten me through the times when I can feel the panic swelling inside me. And looking around at those around me, there are so many in need of prayer, including myself.
Being woken out of a dead sleep at 2:30 am this morning, I tried my hardest to get back to sleep and get the rest I so desperately need. Between the terrible bronchitis our family shared amoungst ourselves and the heart palpitations I haven't been sleeping well at all. I laid on the couch listening to the intriguing sounds of our beautiful home in the night time silence, though the sound of the clock caught my attention. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. At the sound of each second passing the tears welled up in my eyes. Reminding me of how quickly time is moving, completely unforgiving with all that is going on and all that needs done. The tears remained in my eyes as I prayed over the people in my life who are struggling, trying to get my mind off the uncertainty in my own life. They say that Time will heal a broken heart though at this point, for me, Time is making it worse.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Roots
Roots. Beneath a beautiful tree with it's branches reaching out and perfectly placed leaves are the most important unseen pieces of the Tree, it's roots. These roots provide all of the strength for the Tree to stand and face everything that the world and weather may bring to them, though they are hidden underground and mainly unseen or acknowledged. We see the beauty of an old tree with it's massive trunk, wide out reaching branches and vibrantly colored leaves though rarely do we think about how this tree has been nourished to get to it's stature. The roots can take all of the credit for the awesome tree, and the roots themselves are a thing of inspiring beauty. The root system is so much more complicated and massive than the actual seen tree. Which brings more curiosity and the yearning to hear about what this beautiful tree has gone through and the roots can tell that inspiring story.
I've been really thinking lately about trees and roots as we continue on this journey and how I can so relate to a beautiful tree. Just as many of you, I feel lost and alone more times than not lately though others looking in think that everything is fine and dandy. Though this may be the case and our life is very blessed but the journey is far from fine and dandy. My Tree stands tall, strong, beautiful, blessed, kind, outreaching, loving, and full of light though the roots holding this tree are ugly, gnarled, weak, thick, scared, strong and dark. And no I am not going to go all Negative Nancy on you, just stating that every ones journey has twists and turns and even though God is guiding our every move there are still weakness at times.
Travis was given an option after being told we were moving to Ft. Hood that was unexpected about 2 weeks ago. He was told that he had to reenlist, which would be his last and final reenlistment for his career, or they would not move us and we would be discharged from the Army. Easy decision right? Since we had talked about staying in the Army as a career, but it wasn't. When this news came we were at peace with having to move, and the excitement was building thinking about getting the chance to reach out even more to a new set of unknowns. So when we received this news it was kind of shocking to me at our families, friends and at our own reactions. Having to make this decision made us feel like we were choosing family or the Army and not both. Though after lots of praying we decided staying in was our best option and that the fear that was put in our hearts with this new was not God's plan for us. So Travis will reenlist on the 1st of March and it will be indefinite, just as we had planned from the beginning before being home and feeling our roots being nourished over the last 4 years.
The emotional roller coaster going on lately just has really got me thinking about my own root system, reflecting on how I've gotten to where I am. I've realized that there are three different kinds of roots: physical, relationships, and spiritual. All three have a huge part on how your tree will grow and all three need nourishment as you go through life. These next few paragraphs I will be sharing my own experiences in life not for a pity party or to show up anyone elses experiences though just to show you where I am coming from. For you to know my roots a little better and not just seeing my Tree.
My physical roots mean to me that sense of belonging, being able to relate and feel at home. From my experiences in my adult life of moving, oh so many times, when we would come home on leave we were essentially coming home to feel like we belonged. You know that feeling when you walk into the family home and you instantly feel at ease and full of love. For me that is my Grandma Allen's house she is the only person in my family to not have moved in over 50 years. That is incredible in my eyes for I've moved so many times in all of my life, even as a child. And until just the other night while folding laundry with Travis, I didn't realize why I was struggling so much with this move. I was standing there folding Connor's Thomas the Train shirt that we had gotten him when he turned four and we took him to actually see him at Day out with Thomas. When it dawned on me, we had lived at this very home for 4 years. That is longer than I had lived any where since I was 11, so in 15 years I had never had the feeling of being rooted somewhere. I had lived on Trout Run, Mageetown, been homeless for 4 months, Spruce St, El Paso TX, Germany, Lawton OK and then finally here in this home. I am struggling because I finally feel that wonderful sense of security and having physical roots. In a beautiful home that I feel so connected to all of the wonderful blessings that have been received here.
During this time in this home my Tree has grown in such awesome ways, before moving here I was very much an introvert and mainly just a soldier's wife. But now my Tree reflects the strong roots that are beneath it and it's not all because of the physical roots, it has everything to do with the relationship roots that have flourished since being here. I have very treasured friendships that I was blessed with before moving home with friends from around the world with connections that are unique to the wonderful people they are with. My roots now have branched out and have some very strong new growth friendships and some just starting to bud friendships. Many of these relationships have blessed my family and allowed me to be a blessing to others. So much so I can't even fathom my impact on this community, and I am shocked by how many people have spoken to me about how thankful they are for knowing my family. My life is full of people who I can feel the love and support from. Though there are a few buds that had started and turned black teaching me lessons about myself and others. Making me realize that my fear of putting myself out there could end up hurting me but for the most part there are kind, loving people who want to be a part of my family's life.
In these relationship lessons I've been guided and filled spiritually. My spiritual roots have grown the most since being here. I did not grow up in a Christian family but due to some wonderful family friends was brought to Vacation Bible School as a young child, there they told me of Jesus Christ and I then knew I was not alone. I prayed every single night in my own bed snuggled up with my favorite stuffed animals that the Lord would "Keep me safe". I did not attend church, there was not praying with my family, and any contact with Christians was a once a year thing at VBS. Through all of what life had thrown my way in my childhood I still knew that Jesus was right along side of me. When Travis and I moved back here 4 years ago we were going through a very rocky time in our marriage and I had always been a bit jealous of his roots in the church. So after some time and not feeling on the same page as him, I told him it was going to church or divorce and the rest is history. Church for me was exactly what my body, life, soul needed, all of that time of yearning to be a christian as a child and adult, I was finally living my dream. Having the ability of watching my own children grow and interact with such wonderful Christians really touches my heart and fills me with joy, beyond my wildest dreams. Every single part of my life has been touched by the support the church has shown. Travis and I's marriage has done a complete 360, we rekindled the love and overcame unfaithfulness. Best of all my relationship with God has been incredibly strengthened.
As you can see my life is certainly not perfect, my roots are mangled and dark though in just 4 short years my Tree has flourished since being home. My roots have grown in all areas of my life and for that I am a stronger woman, wife, momma, friend, aunt, cousin, sister, christian, business woman, and the list could go on and on. And for each of these reasons stated above and many things that haven't been shared yet, I am nervous and scared about following the path that is before me. I know that the Lord will be by my side through all of this and trusting in Him means that I will not know all of the answers to my questions. With everyone by my side to help me remember how strong my Tree is, I am ready to face the weather, stand strong and continue to nourish my roots.
I've been really thinking lately about trees and roots as we continue on this journey and how I can so relate to a beautiful tree. Just as many of you, I feel lost and alone more times than not lately though others looking in think that everything is fine and dandy. Though this may be the case and our life is very blessed but the journey is far from fine and dandy. My Tree stands tall, strong, beautiful, blessed, kind, outreaching, loving, and full of light though the roots holding this tree are ugly, gnarled, weak, thick, scared, strong and dark. And no I am not going to go all Negative Nancy on you, just stating that every ones journey has twists and turns and even though God is guiding our every move there are still weakness at times.
Travis was given an option after being told we were moving to Ft. Hood that was unexpected about 2 weeks ago. He was told that he had to reenlist, which would be his last and final reenlistment for his career, or they would not move us and we would be discharged from the Army. Easy decision right? Since we had talked about staying in the Army as a career, but it wasn't. When this news came we were at peace with having to move, and the excitement was building thinking about getting the chance to reach out even more to a new set of unknowns. So when we received this news it was kind of shocking to me at our families, friends and at our own reactions. Having to make this decision made us feel like we were choosing family or the Army and not both. Though after lots of praying we decided staying in was our best option and that the fear that was put in our hearts with this new was not God's plan for us. So Travis will reenlist on the 1st of March and it will be indefinite, just as we had planned from the beginning before being home and feeling our roots being nourished over the last 4 years.
The emotional roller coaster going on lately just has really got me thinking about my own root system, reflecting on how I've gotten to where I am. I've realized that there are three different kinds of roots: physical, relationships, and spiritual. All three have a huge part on how your tree will grow and all three need nourishment as you go through life. These next few paragraphs I will be sharing my own experiences in life not for a pity party or to show up anyone elses experiences though just to show you where I am coming from. For you to know my roots a little better and not just seeing my Tree.
My physical roots mean to me that sense of belonging, being able to relate and feel at home. From my experiences in my adult life of moving, oh so many times, when we would come home on leave we were essentially coming home to feel like we belonged. You know that feeling when you walk into the family home and you instantly feel at ease and full of love. For me that is my Grandma Allen's house she is the only person in my family to not have moved in over 50 years. That is incredible in my eyes for I've moved so many times in all of my life, even as a child. And until just the other night while folding laundry with Travis, I didn't realize why I was struggling so much with this move. I was standing there folding Connor's Thomas the Train shirt that we had gotten him when he turned four and we took him to actually see him at Day out with Thomas. When it dawned on me, we had lived at this very home for 4 years. That is longer than I had lived any where since I was 11, so in 15 years I had never had the feeling of being rooted somewhere. I had lived on Trout Run, Mageetown, been homeless for 4 months, Spruce St, El Paso TX, Germany, Lawton OK and then finally here in this home. I am struggling because I finally feel that wonderful sense of security and having physical roots. In a beautiful home that I feel so connected to all of the wonderful blessings that have been received here.
During this time in this home my Tree has grown in such awesome ways, before moving here I was very much an introvert and mainly just a soldier's wife. But now my Tree reflects the strong roots that are beneath it and it's not all because of the physical roots, it has everything to do with the relationship roots that have flourished since being here. I have very treasured friendships that I was blessed with before moving home with friends from around the world with connections that are unique to the wonderful people they are with. My roots now have branched out and have some very strong new growth friendships and some just starting to bud friendships. Many of these relationships have blessed my family and allowed me to be a blessing to others. So much so I can't even fathom my impact on this community, and I am shocked by how many people have spoken to me about how thankful they are for knowing my family. My life is full of people who I can feel the love and support from. Though there are a few buds that had started and turned black teaching me lessons about myself and others. Making me realize that my fear of putting myself out there could end up hurting me but for the most part there are kind, loving people who want to be a part of my family's life.
In these relationship lessons I've been guided and filled spiritually. My spiritual roots have grown the most since being here. I did not grow up in a Christian family but due to some wonderful family friends was brought to Vacation Bible School as a young child, there they told me of Jesus Christ and I then knew I was not alone. I prayed every single night in my own bed snuggled up with my favorite stuffed animals that the Lord would "Keep me safe". I did not attend church, there was not praying with my family, and any contact with Christians was a once a year thing at VBS. Through all of what life had thrown my way in my childhood I still knew that Jesus was right along side of me. When Travis and I moved back here 4 years ago we were going through a very rocky time in our marriage and I had always been a bit jealous of his roots in the church. So after some time and not feeling on the same page as him, I told him it was going to church or divorce and the rest is history. Church for me was exactly what my body, life, soul needed, all of that time of yearning to be a christian as a child and adult, I was finally living my dream. Having the ability of watching my own children grow and interact with such wonderful Christians really touches my heart and fills me with joy, beyond my wildest dreams. Every single part of my life has been touched by the support the church has shown. Travis and I's marriage has done a complete 360, we rekindled the love and overcame unfaithfulness. Best of all my relationship with God has been incredibly strengthened.
As you can see my life is certainly not perfect, my roots are mangled and dark though in just 4 short years my Tree has flourished since being home. My roots have grown in all areas of my life and for that I am a stronger woman, wife, momma, friend, aunt, cousin, sister, christian, business woman, and the list could go on and on. And for each of these reasons stated above and many things that haven't been shared yet, I am nervous and scared about following the path that is before me. I know that the Lord will be by my side through all of this and trusting in Him means that I will not know all of the answers to my questions. With everyone by my side to help me remember how strong my Tree is, I am ready to face the weather, stand strong and continue to nourish my roots.
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